Sweetest day went by recently, and as you may or may not have read,
my girlfriend posted about her side of our story from the beginning. I'm the
guest here on her blog and she's entrusted me with the task of finishing off
this two part post with my side of our story. So without further adieu, let's
dive into our past...
It was an evening in April, and I was a senior in high school.
Thinking about summer, thinking about my family issues, thinking about what job
I should look for, thinking about everything but love perhaps. I was home-schooled and
really quiet. I was interning at my church as a stepping stone into ministry,
and heavily involved with the youth group as a youth leader. Tonight was an
important night at youth because for the first time we were meeting with our
new family members. We had just launched our second campus out of the remains
of another church and we were amped. So I got ready to go, hopped in my '95
Buick Century and drove to the new campus, excited to meet some new people.
Getting out of the car and grabbing my stuff I walked to the door
of this foreign building that looked like a piece of art itself, surrounded by
woods in it's own little safe haven away from the world. I loved the
atmosphere, it reminded me of where I grew up. I walked in, greeting new and
old faces, getting to know new names and immediately forgetting them. I was
told we were having service in the room down the hall and made my way there.
Walking through the doorway I froze, I felt awkward and unprepared and walked
back out of the room...
I had just seen the most beautiful girl. Ever. Had to keep my
cool, took a moment to get myself together. I had promised myself I wouldn't
date until I was 18, and as a youth leader I was not allowed to date anyone
under 18, there was no time to think about this right now, I'm only 17. Just as
fast as I walked out I walked back into the room and met a few other people
before finding my old friends I hadn't seen in a while who had been attending
the church that was joining ours and chatted before we started. I wanted to
meet her, I could not stop thinking about it. My old friends knew her, and we
were introduced. It wasn't anything spectacular, no sparks flew, but she was on
my mind and ravaging it like wildfire. I kept glancing over at her, purposefully
trying to hide it and make excuses to face her way. We were sitting at round
tables, and I wanted so badly to sit next to her, but for the sake of image sat
at the table next to hers with my old friends. I remember her friend trying to
flirt with me and shutting her out as best as a shy guy like myself could have.
No interest in her friend at all, especially not when there's perfection
sitting right there. It wasn't a dream or anything special, just hello and an
introduction, we both probably said something stupid and I probably tried to
act cool, but I got her name. We got stuck in a group together, to my delight,
and I was having a great time. The whole time, one thought was crossing my mind
no matter how much I wanted to ignore it or think something else. I'll never
forget it. "She's my type. I can't believe how perfect she is!" And I
was sad when the night ended and I thought about how much I wanted to know more
about her as I drove myself home.
When I got home, reality hit. There was a girl I had liked for a
while now, and I felt like I had to be loyal to that crush of mine. The girl
had no interest in me, as far as I know, but still I should only focus on one
person. I wasn't going to date until I was 18, but I was already contemplating
how I would ask her out... And then this girl comes into the picture and makes
me question it all. Everything was a mess in my mind and I drowned it out with
keeping busy. I didn't like the feeling of conflicting interests, it was the
awe of perfection against unrequited butterflies and I had time to think.
The next month we were going on a retreat and I knew she would be
there, and I felt bad for wanting to see her and get to know her when I had a
crush on someone else. I wanted to avoid her and ignore her, but it was just
impossible. I held doors for her, the same as for everyone else but it felt
different and better. I talked with her and her friends and my friends and sat
next to her in a few of the services. I knew it was more than just wanting to
be friendly and getting to know her, but I didn't want it to be. She came and
asked me to go paddle boating with her and her friends, and of course I didn't
feel right saying no. It was almost annoying me by now how much I wanted to be
around her, especially because I knew she liked me back. I could see it in her
eyes and the way she talked. We could easily be more than friends. It was going
to be the 4 of us, I didn't see anything wrong with it so I went along with it.
Then I realized something, the paddle boats only had 2 seats each.
I had already said yes and was afraid to get in... alone... with a girl... that
liked me... that I liked... and that I couldn't date... But we got to talking,
got to knowing each other. It felt like a dream, just the two of us. It was so
awkward and so comfortable at the same time, like when you meet someone and you
feel like you've known them for years and then accidentally spill your drink on
them and you realize what happened. We talked for three hours before we decided
we had enough sunburn for the decade and the next event was about to start. I
had made one of my best friends at the time in a day, and I wanted it to be
more but still couldn't decide between my crush and her. But I had time to
think.
Right after we got off the boat I met up with one of my friends,
he was the youth pastor and it seemed like he had something to say. He didn't
waste any time and asked about this perfect girl, and I told him not to worry,
that we were just friends and nothing was going to happen. I knew it was
obvious, but at the same time I knew I had to wait. I realized it was like
playing with fire, staying this close to someone that had a mutual interest in
me. I was scared and tried to pull away, mostly without success.
One of her friends texted me soon after the retreat ended and
asked if I liked her. I hated this question because I couldn’t answer it
honestly. I tried to be sly and avoid saying that I didn’t and gave her the
reasons that I shouldn’t like her. It was so unfair. That night I sat at my
computer and wrote the most painful thing I hope I ever have to write. I told
her that I couldn’t like her, I told her we couldn’t be more than friends. I
told her that I couldn’t date until I was 18 and that there wasn’t any hope
after that. She said that I didn’t know everything and that there might still
be hope, and women are always right but I refused to admit it. We both knew her
heart was breaking on my every word, and after that we didn’t talk much. A
phone call here and there and we’d see each other at youth, most of the time in
passing. We were friends, but we weren’t what we both wanted to be. It didn’t
feel natural at all, and the strange thing about it is that I got used to it.
As long as she still had it in her heart, what we had never died.
Fast forward through time, she turned 16 and I wanted to go to her
party but didn’t even though I was invited. I turned 18 and was still trying to
forget her. We both kept living, and for me at least most of it was happy
still. Moving on forward isn’t always a sad thing, I had fun with my friends
and was focused on my life and my bubble. There was one thing that bothered me though,
one thing I couldn’t ignore. She had a boyfriend. Every single chance I got, I
swear I tried to show him up in front of her even if it was unintentional.
Apparently it was really obvious, he was oblivious and just thought I was
really awesome and she figured I was just acting cool and didn’t know it was
because of her. I didn’t like it; I wanted him out of the picture. Even if we
were just friends, I wanted to have a claim to her like “I saw her first”.
At the time I was taking classes at a bible college to become a
pastor now and one night I got a phone call in class. I glanced at my phone to
see who it was and answered on accident but I couldn’t talk so I hung up. I
called her back later to see why she called me. It had been a while since we
actually talked. She was desperate for someone to talk to, boyfriend trouble.
She didn’t know who else to call, and it was killing her inside. Her boyfriend
was flirting with other girls, cheating on her, and he didn’t see it as
cheating. I encouraged her to talk to someone else about the issue, and as much
as it killed me I suggested she try to salvage and restore the relationship she
had like any youth leader would. I hated myself. This was the final straw for
me, I couldn’t take that boyfriend anymore, I wanted to show him how to treat a
girl right. Then she said something that caught my attention. It was something
like, “Maybe I should just listen to Mauren, break up with him and get you to
date me. She’s always telling me we should be together.” I was shocked, I
didn’t know what to say or how to jokingly refuse the idea. That one idea
stayed with me for the next two weeks and wouldn’t let me go. I didn’t care if
I was at work or school or home, all I thought about was her. She had to be
mine, I had to give it a shot. It wasn’t worth it to me anymore to hold onto an
unrequited crush and miss this. It wasn’t worth passing by a chance of a
lifetime. It’s all I could think about, every thought in my mind was about how
I could make it happen.
I was going to email her and ask about how her and her boyfriend
were, and I saw that they had already broken up. It was St. Patrick’s day and I
had to give it a shot. I didn’t know what I was saying and I didn’t care if it
made sense… but I told her that I didn’t want to miss what we could have and I
wanted to think about dating her. She was dumbfounded and didn’t know how to
take it, and I didn’t know if she even liked me anymore. But we were best
friends again. We talked a lot, we started hanging out again. I told everyone
that was important to me that my intentions were to date her when she was 18. I
was going to wait. I got to know her and things about her no one else knew, and
she got to know me. We were so close and I knew I was falling for her and
letting it happen. I wanted to fall for her, and trust me, I did. I was a youth
leader still and couldn’t date anyone under 18, and she fell for me too. We
were like best friends that both wanted a relationship we couldn’t have. My mom
told us that we were getting too close and told me to either date her or stop
being close to her, and it was literally killing her to be so close and not be
able to hold me and hear how I feel about her. So I sat down with my youth
pastor and we talked about it. I was decided on her, and I replaced the
commitments of a youth leader to a commitment to one girl. The woman of my
dreams, and the only girl I can see myself spending my life with. I asked her
out on her 17th birthday, in a way only I could and in a way she
would love just as much as she loved me. It feels great to say that we’ve been
in love since day 1, and actually be able to mean it. I fell for my best
friend, and after dating her for over a year now my feelings have only grown
stronger. Yea, we’ve had ups and downs, lots of them. But we’re not going
anywhere. This has always been a decision and it will stay my decision to stay
with her through thick and thin and love her without condition. She is the most
beautiful woman I have ever seen, and I’ll never forget that. She reminds me just
how beautiful she is every time I see her smile or cry or even just act like a
bum. I’ll still always choose to be hers.
