A Sweet Day. (Part 2)

Sweetest day went by recently, and as you may or may not have read, my girlfriend posted about her side of our story from the beginning. I'm the guest here on her blog and she's entrusted me with the task of finishing off this two part post with my side of our story. So without further adieu, let's dive into our past...

It was an evening in April, and I was a senior in high school. Thinking about summer, thinking about my family issues, thinking about what job I should look for, thinking about everything but love perhaps. I was home-schooled and really quiet. I was interning at my church as a stepping stone into ministry, and heavily involved with the youth group as a youth leader. Tonight was an important night at youth because for the first time we were meeting with our new family members. We had just launched our second campus out of the remains of another church and we were amped. So I got ready to go, hopped in my '95 Buick Century and drove to the new campus, excited to meet some new people.

Getting out of the car and grabbing my stuff I walked to the door of this foreign building that looked like a piece of art itself, surrounded by woods in it's own little safe haven away from the world. I loved the atmosphere, it reminded me of where I grew up. I walked in, greeting new and old faces, getting to know new names and immediately forgetting them. I was told we were having service in the room down the hall and made my way there. Walking through the doorway I froze, I felt awkward and unprepared and walked back out of the room...

I had just seen the most beautiful girl. Ever. Had to keep my cool, took a moment to get myself together. I had promised myself I wouldn't date until I was 18, and as a youth leader I was not allowed to date anyone under 18, there was no time to think about this right now, I'm only 17. Just as fast as I walked out I walked back into the room and met a few other people before finding my old friends I hadn't seen in a while who had been attending the church that was joining ours and chatted before we started. I wanted to meet her, I could not stop thinking about it. My old friends knew her, and we were introduced. It wasn't anything spectacular, no sparks flew, but she was on my mind and ravaging it like wildfire. I kept glancing over at her, purposefully trying to hide it and make excuses to face her way. We were sitting at round tables, and I wanted so badly to sit next to her, but for the sake of image sat at the table next to hers with my old friends. I remember her friend trying to flirt with me and shutting her out as best as a shy guy like myself could have. No interest in her friend at all, especially not when there's perfection sitting right there. It wasn't a dream or anything special, just hello and an introduction, we both probably said something stupid and I probably tried to act cool, but I got her name. We got stuck in a group together, to my delight, and I was having a great time. The whole time, one thought was crossing my mind no matter how much I wanted to ignore it or think something else. I'll never forget it. "She's my type. I can't believe how perfect she is!" And I was sad when the night ended and I thought about how much I wanted to know more about her as I drove myself home.

When I got home, reality hit. There was a girl I had liked for a while now, and I felt like I had to be loyal to that crush of mine. The girl had no interest in me, as far as I know, but still I should only focus on one person. I wasn't going to date until I was 18, but I was already contemplating how I would ask her out... And then this girl comes into the picture and makes me question it all. Everything was a mess in my mind and I drowned it out with keeping busy. I didn't like the feeling of conflicting interests, it was the awe of perfection against unrequited butterflies and I had time to think.

The next month we were going on a retreat and I knew she would be there, and I felt bad for wanting to see her and get to know her when I had a crush on someone else. I wanted to avoid her and ignore her, but it was just impossible. I held doors for her, the same as for everyone else but it felt different and better. I talked with her and her friends and my friends and sat next to her in a few of the services. I knew it was more than just wanting to be friendly and getting to know her, but I didn't want it to be. She came and asked me to go paddle boating with her and her friends, and of course I didn't feel right saying no. It was almost annoying me by now how much I wanted to be around her, especially because I knew she liked me back. I could see it in her eyes and the way she talked. We could easily be more than friends. It was going to be the 4 of us, I didn't see anything wrong with it so I went along with it.

Then I realized something, the paddle boats only had 2 seats each. I had already said yes and was afraid to get in... alone... with a girl... that liked me... that I liked... and that I couldn't date... But we got to talking, got to knowing each other. It felt like a dream, just the two of us. It was so awkward and so comfortable at the same time, like when you meet someone and you feel like you've known them for years and then accidentally spill your drink on them and you realize what happened. We talked for three hours before we decided we had enough sunburn for the decade and the next event was about to start. I had made one of my best friends at the time in a day, and I wanted it to be more but still couldn't decide between my crush and her. But I had time to think.

Right after we got off the boat I met up with one of my friends, he was the youth pastor and it seemed like he had something to say. He didn't waste any time and asked about this perfect girl, and I told him not to worry, that we were just friends and nothing was going to happen. I knew it was obvious, but at the same time I knew I had to wait. I realized it was like playing with fire, staying this close to someone that had a mutual interest in me. I was scared and tried to pull away, mostly without success.

One of her friends texted me soon after the retreat ended and asked if I liked her. I hated this question because I couldn’t answer it honestly. I tried to be sly and avoid saying that I didn’t and gave her the reasons that I shouldn’t like her. It was so unfair. That night I sat at my computer and wrote the most painful thing I hope I ever have to write. I told her that I couldn’t like her, I told her we couldn’t be more than friends. I told her that I couldn’t date until I was 18 and that there wasn’t any hope after that. She said that I didn’t know everything and that there might still be hope, and women are always right but I refused to admit it. We both knew her heart was breaking on my every word, and after that we didn’t talk much. A phone call here and there and we’d see each other at youth, most of the time in passing. We were friends, but we weren’t what we both wanted to be. It didn’t feel natural at all, and the strange thing about it is that I got used to it. As long as she still had it in her heart, what we had never died.

Fast forward through time, she turned 16 and I wanted to go to her party but didn’t even though I was invited. I turned 18 and was still trying to forget her. We both kept living, and for me at least most of it was happy still. Moving on forward isn’t always a sad thing, I had fun with my friends and was focused on my life and my bubble. There was one thing that bothered me though, one thing I couldn’t ignore. She had a boyfriend. Every single chance I got, I swear I tried to show him up in front of her even if it was unintentional. Apparently it was really obvious, he was oblivious and just thought I was really awesome and she figured I was just acting cool and didn’t know it was because of her. I didn’t like it; I wanted him out of the picture. Even if we were just friends, I wanted to have a claim to her like “I saw her first”.

At the time I was taking classes at a bible college to become a pastor now and one night I got a phone call in class. I glanced at my phone to see who it was and answered on accident but I couldn’t talk so I hung up. I called her back later to see why she called me. It had been a while since we actually talked. She was desperate for someone to talk to, boyfriend trouble. She didn’t know who else to call, and it was killing her inside. Her boyfriend was flirting with other girls, cheating on her, and he didn’t see it as cheating. I encouraged her to talk to someone else about the issue, and as much as it killed me I suggested she try to salvage and restore the relationship she had like any youth leader would. I hated myself. This was the final straw for me, I couldn’t take that boyfriend anymore, I wanted to show him how to treat a girl right. Then she said something that caught my attention. It was something like, “Maybe I should just listen to Mauren, break up with him and get you to date me. She’s always telling me we should be together.” I was shocked, I didn’t know what to say or how to jokingly refuse the idea. That one idea stayed with me for the next two weeks and wouldn’t let me go. I didn’t care if I was at work or school or home, all I thought about was her. She had to be mine, I had to give it a shot. It wasn’t worth it to me anymore to hold onto an unrequited crush and miss this. It wasn’t worth passing by a chance of a lifetime. It’s all I could think about, every thought in my mind was about how I could make it happen.

I was going to email her and ask about how her and her boyfriend were, and I saw that they had already broken up. It was St. Patrick’s day and I had to give it a shot. I didn’t know what I was saying and I didn’t care if it made sense… but I told her that I didn’t want to miss what we could have and I wanted to think about dating her. She was dumbfounded and didn’t know how to take it, and I didn’t know if she even liked me anymore. But we were best friends again. We talked a lot, we started hanging out again. I told everyone that was important to me that my intentions were to date her when she was 18. I was going to wait. I got to know her and things about her no one else knew, and she got to know me. We were so close and I knew I was falling for her and letting it happen. I wanted to fall for her, and trust me, I did. I was a youth leader still and couldn’t date anyone under 18, and she fell for me too. We were like best friends that both wanted a relationship we couldn’t have. My mom told us that we were getting too close and told me to either date her or stop being close to her, and it was literally killing her to be so close and not be able to hold me and hear how I feel about her. So I sat down with my youth pastor and we talked about it. I was decided on her, and I replaced the commitments of a youth leader to a commitment to one girl. The woman of my dreams, and the only girl I can see myself spending my life with. I asked her out on her 17^th birthday, in a way only I could and in a way she would love just as much as she loved me. It feels great to say that we’ve been in love since day 1, and actually be able to mean it. I fell for my best friend, and after dating her for over a year now my feelings have only grown stronger. Yea, we’ve had ups and downs, lots of them. But we’re not going anywhere. This has always been a decision and it will stay my decision to stay with her through thick and thin and love her without condition. She is the most beautiful woman I have ever seen, and I’ll never forget that. She reminds me just how beautiful she is every time I see her smile or cry or even just act like a bum. I’ll still always choose to be hers.

A Sweet Day. (Part 1)

Tomorrow is sweetest day. A lot of girls end up putting this on their list of days that they sit at home watching sappy movies and eating ice cream. I happen to be lucky and have a sweetheart. I want to encourage you girls who think that you'll end up a cat lady by sharing my love story.

Ryan and I met on April 28, 2010.  The church I was going to was joining with the church he was going to, so our youth groups were meeting together.  It was a night of games, a short word, and some worship.  He caught my eye from the start. When I saw him, I kinda went into creeper mode and didn't want to look away.  I was 15 and he was 17.  Little did I know that he was a youth leader and he could not date me at that point. My heart jumped for joy when we found out we were in a group for the games we played that night.  I'm sure it was extremely clear that I thought he was cute.

I didn't see him until a month later, and I figured he still had no clue I existed, or if he did, he must have thought I was too weird to be within 10 feet of.  This time we were on our way to a youth retreat that I had no idea would be one of my favorite memories ever.

The retreat lasted for 3 days. On the second day, we had a lot of down time and there was a lake with canoes and paddle boats. A friend of mine told me that I should ask him to go on a paddle boat with he, another friend and me. So I went and asked and after a bit, he agreed. Of course, my lovely friends knowing I liked him ditched us.  So here I am, on a paddle boat with a really attractive guy that I know hardly anything about, but want to know everything about.  We ended up spending 3 hours on that boat. We were both bright red from sunburn, but we didn't care. We'd become best friends that day. I liked him a lot more than a friend, but I, like most girls figured I had no chance.

After the retreat, we saw each other basically on wednesdays at youth group. We talked on facebook and he's told me that we could never ever be more than friends. I figured he was in love with another girl he was friends with, so I left it at "don't tell me we can't be more than friends, you just don't want to be..." Yeah, I was real mature. Actually, I was crying my eyes out because this amazing boy, my best friend who I liked so much more than a friend, never wanted to be more than just that, best friends. Eventually, I just started dating any guy who claimed they liked me. I didn't want to be alone, and I thought I always would be.

As time went on and I dated just to date, Ryan and I talked less and less. Eventually I stopped going to youth group altogether because I felt so depressed about my life.  Once in awhile we'd talk a the phone or online, but really we didn't talk until my last boyfriend and I broke up.

I was sitting there looking through the contacts in my phone and when I got to his name, I thought, "well, worth a shot." He answered and had to hang up because he was busy, but called back as soon as he could.  I think I just rambled about every thought in my mind and every emotion in my heart. The key thing in that conversation was when I said "Maybe Moe was right when she said I should just try to get you to date me." I didn't think anything of it other than that I wish he actually liked me, because it had always been him. I dated other guys because I didn't think I had a chance. I never expected what happened about 2 weeks later.

Mind you that we hadn't spoken other than that phone call in a very long time, so getting a very long message from him on facebook was unexpected. He told me about how he did like me, and was opposed to dating but still wanted to wait. I was floored. I didn't know what to say. I'd been hurt by a lot of guys in the past and since it had been so long since we'd talked, who was to say that he wasn't going to play me like they had.

It turned out that he was the same funny, sweet, caring guy that I had called my best friend so long before. After a little while, we started praying about if this was a relationship we should try and talking to people to find out how to do this right. It took about 6 months before we started officially dating. In that 6 months, I fell completely in love with my best friend.

Since then, we've had our ups and downs. We've fallen even more in love. We've decided that as long as we're together, we'll get married when we're ready to.

I love my boyfriend/best friend/partner in crime.  He's my favorite person. He encourages me to be the best I can be and for some crazy reason he loves me the way I am and thinks I'm beautiful even when I look like a bum.

Day 3.

My hair as you see, decided to kinda freak out on me...

In other news, I'm so exhausted.

I feel like I do so much and give so much effort for the sake of everyone else.   It always seems that when I ask for a bit in return, all the stuff I do is just forgotten...I feel like I just shouldn't bother a lot of the time.

Life Decisions.

In life we all have to make a lot of choices.  People often tell me that I'm crazy for mine.  So here's a list of things I want for my life.

1. I want to become a doctor of psychology and open my own practice so I can provide therapy to people who can't afford the crazy rates most people charge.

2. I want to become a pastoral counselor and a worship leader.

3. I want to marry someone who's close to being ordained, basically I'll be a pastor's wife. Not a position many people want to be in.

4. I want to adopt a child out of foster care who is at least 12 years old.

5. I want to travel the world.

Day 2 of the challenge, my hair behaved for the most part...

Also considering doing The No-Poo Challenge...

Dance?

I used to do ballet.  I've ended up with a lot of injuries and there's a good chance I have arthritis.  It's really difficult to deal with when I want to dance around my house when no one else is home, and I can't because I'm afraid I'll fall (again).  I really miss it, and this is the first time I've actually opened up about it at all. It made me feel so feminine and girly, and I'm a bit of a tomboy, so it was a nice feeling.  I've finally gotten some of my leg strength back, and I'm working hard to be able to take classes again, because at this point I'll have to relearn a lot of the basics...so if anyone is reading this, prayers and support would be very much appreciated.

Day 1...

Today is the first day of that challenge I mentioned before.  My boyfriend currently has my flat iron. I'm not freaking out (yet.) I think I can really do this. My hair is still straight from last night though.

Looking on the bright side.

Sometimes I lay in bed late at night and think of all the good things in my life. It helps me to handle the depression and anxiety that plague my mind all day...

There are people who want to help me find a job.

My father might actually be getting his life on track.

My mother is slowly learning to handle my issues.

I have an amazing man by my side.

I'm getting motivated to make something out of my life.

My body is slowly getting stronger again, and I'm able to do some ballet again.

I don't have to spend eternity in Hell because the creator of the universe sent his son to die for me, and I've accepted that face.

My hair over the years...

Its been short...

long....

red...

almost always straight...

attacked by a blowdryer...

and this is what happens when I'm too lazy to bother...noticed the crappy webcam photo and terrible green walls that indicate that I didn't leave my house. My hair used to look like I had used a curling iron on it when I didn't do anything to it. Now its just damaged and flat and half is really curly and the other part is almost straight...

Yeah, I really need to learn to love it again. I hope that I'll have the hair I want by the end of all this...

An Inspired Challenge.

I have always had naturally curly hair.  It was beautiful, until I discovered blow dryers. Then since my hair never looked right natural, I found flat irons. And hair dye...and hairspray...you get the point.  I want my hair back. I stumbled onto this website call http://www.byebyebeehive.com/ and found an inspiring girl doing and inspiring challenge. I read through her story and thought, "what if I did this?" So I've decided to. No drastic hair cuts, not damaging products, no heat tools, no hair dye. Just natural hair for a year. I'm starting on Monday 10/15/12 and ending on Tuesday 10/15/13. I'll be posting throughout this journey because I thought that was the best was to motivate myself after seeing Aunie's blog. So wish me luck, I haven't been comfortable with my hair in about 6 years. I'm hoping to love m natural hair again. (:

Oh and you should definitely check this girl out. She's pretty awesome sauce. http://www.auniesauce.com/

Bucket List.

I have a bucket list. Yes, I'm only 18. My list grows and shrinks over time as I decide that I was to do things or accomplish the things I had on my list. So here it is (:.

1. Visit every country in the world at least one.

2. Visit every major city in the world and every U.S state capital.

3. Write a novel.

4. Read every Sherlock Holmes story.

5. Raise one child. I don’t care if I give birth or adopt. I just want to be responsible for raising a child right.

6. Get married.

7. Have a song I sung played on the radio.

8. Read the top 100 books of all time.

9. Watch the top 100 movies of all time.

10. Actually think I'm beautiful when I look in the mirror.

11. Open my own practice of psychology.

This isn't the complete list, but it's what I remember off the top of my head. I've come to realize that I don't have to complete all of these before I die to be happy with my life, but as long as I do some of them, I'll be happy.

Late Night Blogging.

I hate it when I can't sleep.  It's 12:22am and I just got off of Skype with Ryan. I would love nothing more than to curl up in a ball and sleep right now, but no. My brain is still going a mile a minute and I can't sleep.  So I guess you get to deal with me. :P More posts to come (:

Ryan James.

This boy is seriously wonderful. He's my best friend, my reality check, and my loving boyfriend all in one person. Oh, and he's the cutest boy ever. :) I've decided to go with the demonstrate how awesome he is through pictures ad captions method...so here we gooooo.

He trusted me enough to teach me to shoot a gun. Yes, me, clumsy and weird.

See, told ya he was cute. (:

...and he takes cute pictures like this.

...and takes walks in the park with me even though he hates the cold.

Oh this...totally us. xD

And again...he's adorable.

We take pictures on playgrounds...cuz we're cool like that.

...and he took me to prom even though it meant he had to wear a suit. (: True love right there.

Basically, he makes me smile and he loves me despite all my quirks. He will probably kill me when he finds out that I posted that picture of him with the pillow, but you know what, I don't care because he deserves to have people know that he's a great boyfriend and that he is very,very loved. I'll definitely be blogging more about him, so get used to it because he's a pretty big deal to me.

About Myself.

Hello there. (: Well, since I'm new to blogging, I'm not really sure what to post first. I've been debating and contemplating for the past 2 days, and I guess a good way to start is by telling you who I am and what I plan to blog about.


I'm Brittany or Brit.  I'm 18, and I graduated high school last year.  I'm taking a year off from school before I start studying psychology.  I love the idea of helping people so they don't go through the things I've gone through, or if it isn't optional, that they don't feel alone.  I want to start my own practice someday and at some point I would love to do it for free because I know that I can't afford to see a therapist, and a lot of other people who need it can't either, or they have parents who would never take them to get help.  Please excuse my tendency to ramble.


I'm really terrible at the whole "about me thing", so I'm going to just pick topics for a few paragraphs. Things I like, dislike, have gone through as mention above. And then you'll probably just get a girl rambling, so I'm sorry, but this blog is going to be like a diary for me, so I'll be documenting my life for you all to see.  If you don't like it, well, you don't have to read my blog.


Likes- Hedgehogs, Purple, Cats, Lizards, Cooking, Psychology, Lions, Armadillos, Skittles, Sour Patch Kids, Babysitting kids so their parents can have a much needed night out, Traveling, Autumn, Hugs, Blankets, Tumblr, Making friends, Weddings, DIY stuff, Shoes, Mountain Dew, Iced Coffee, Tea, Reading, Learning, Orchids, Singing.  I'm gonna stop this list here. Otherwise I might never stop. xD


Loves- God, Ryan James, Family, Friends, Music.


Dislikes- Awkward situations, My terrible dancing, Violent video games (I just don't see the point), Ignorant people, Arrogant people, When people are hurting, My opinion of myself most of the time, Men who hit women, Depression, Anxiety, Eating disorders.


Things I've gone through- I've been dealing with depression since I was 12, I used to self harm, and I attempted suicide three times, but I don't feel the need to hurt myself anymore, and the only one I can thank for that is God. I struggle with anxiety, it feels terrible to not know if you can get through a day without panic attacks. I used to be anorexic, and I still struggle to eat, I never thought I was fat, because well, I never was, I just never wanted to eat unless I was going to pass out or someone questioned me. Thankfully, now that people know that, they remind me to eat, and I don't always listen but I don't feel alone in my fight. I was addicted to pain killers because I damaged my body pretty bad when I was in marching band (I played sousaphone, which is a marching tuba) I have a very high tolerance for medication which is terrible because I weigh all of 110lbs. My parents split up about 2 years ago, and now my dad is somewhere in Texas driving a truck over-the-road. Well, that's the stuff I can think of that's affected me the most, the things I want to help people through most because I know how tough it can be.


Well, I don't know what else to write, I'll post some stuff like my bucket list and a post about my loving boyfriend Ryan soon, but here's a start.

Oh, and this is me.

I didn't bother with make up or doing my hair or wearing cute clothes today, and for once I actually thought I looked good. Irony is great isn't it?